Ladies and gentlemen, how’s everyone doing tonight? Good? Fantastic! Let’s talk about dating, shall we? Ah yes, the ancient ritual of two people pretending to be their best selves until one catches the other eating cereal straight from the box at 3 a.m.
You know, dating apps have changed the game. Back in the day, you had to actually go outside to meet someone. Now, you can find your soulmate while sitting on the toilet. Swipe left, swipe right—it’s like a game of romantic Tetris. And just like Tetris, no matter how well you think you’re doing, it always ends in disaster.
I tried online dating once. My profile was a masterpiece, you guys. I had a picture of me hiking. Why? Because that’s what you do. You put a picture of yourself doing something you did exactly once to show how “adventurous” you are. Never mind that the only hiking I usually do is from my couch to the fridge.
So, I matched with someone. We decided to meet up for coffee. Coffee! The Switzerland of dates. It’s neutral, non-committal. If the date’s going well, you can extend it. If it’s not, you can say you have “plans” and scurry off. My “plans” usually involve going home to eat ice cream and question my life choices, but that’s beside the point.
We met, and she looked nothing like her pictures. I mean, the photos were clearly taken during the Obama administration. I was half-expecting her to pull out a flip phone. But hey, I’m no Chris Hemsworth myself, so who am I to judge?
We sat down, and she immediately started talking about her cats. Plural. As in, more than one. As in, I’m allergic and this date is already a health hazard. But I played it cool. I nodded, smiled, and subtly reached for my EpiPen.
Then comes the bill. Ah, the awkward dance of who’s going to pay. I reach for my wallet, she does the “fake reach.” You know the one, where they pretend they’re going to pay but move in slow motion, hoping you’ll beat them to it. It’s like a financial game of chicken.
So, the date ended, and we said our goodbyes. She said, “We should do this again sometime.” And by “this,” I assume she meant make poor life choices and question our standards.
But hey, that’s dating for you. It’s a rollercoaster. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, and sometimes you’re just hanging upside down, stuck, screaming for help.
Love in the Digital Age – another comedic take
“Dating nowadays is crazy. Everything’s done through apps and the internet – no more meeting people naturally like in the old days. I tried one of those swipe apps once. Felt like I was shopping for a car, swiping left, swiping right. I matched with this one woman, she seemed cool so we met up for dinner. Well, she turned out to be nothing like her profile! Her pictures must’ve been from 10 years and 20 pounds ago. Catfishing people should be illegal, am I right?
I tell ya, I’m at that age where I want to settle down but dating is rough. I tried going on a date with someone I met at work. We went out once and it was so awkward – couldn’t look her in the eye after that. Don’t dip your pen in the company ink folks, bad idea.
I even asked my married buddy how he and his wife met. Wanna know what he said? They met on Match.com 15 years ago! So I tried it but got no matches. I changed my profile to say I’m 6′ tall, a chef, and I own a boat. My inbox blew up instantly! But now I’m worried those women will actually expect me to cook and take them on my imaginary boat!
Dating is always tricky but don’t lose hope. My trick is to just be myself, quirks and all. If I click with someone great, if not, no sweat. Can’t fake being someone you’re not forever, right? The right match is out there even if you have to kiss some frogs first. Treat people how you want to be treated, and eventually, you’ll find the peanut butter to your jelly. Just whatever you do, don’t resort to lying on your profile or it’ll come back to bite you in the booty!”
Thank you, thank you! You’ve been a great audience. Don’t forget to tip your waitstaff!
