Why Google Knows You Better Than Your Therapist: A Comedian’s Take

Hey everyone, how we doin’ tonight? Ah, good to be here! You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about Google lately. Do you remember when Google was just a search engine? Ah, simpler times. Now Google knows more about you than your mom, therapist, and high school sweetheart combined!

Google Knows You Better Than Your Therapist But Why?

Nowadays, Google is the closest thing we have to an omnipotent being. Seriously, it knows when you’re sleeping, it knows when you’re awake, it knows if you’ve been bad or good—wait, I think I’m confusing Google with Santa Claus. Easy mistake, one tracks you with cookies, the other one gives you cookies!

So, I was trying to find a place to eat the other day. What do I do? I Google it. ‘Best restaurants near me.’ And what comes up? Ads! For restaurants 50 miles away! I’m like, Google, you know my shoe size, my favorite color, and what I had for breakfast. How do you not know I don’t own a car?

Here’s a personal story. My friend wanted to set me up on a blind date. In the old days, that meant you knew nothing about the person, right? Mystery! Adventure! Now? I’ve got her LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and 17 Pinterest boards before dessert. What’s the point of talking when I know you’re ‘proficient in Microsoft Excel’? No second date needed, I’m already ‘proficient’ in judging your character!

And what’s up with Google suggesting things for you to search? You ever notice that? You type in the first two letters and it’s like, “Oh, did you mean ‘symptoms of existential dread’?” No, Google, I was looking for ‘symptoms of a cold,’ but thanks for the crisis!

Oh, and the autofill on Google is just marvelous, isn’t it? One time, I was helping my grandma send an email. She’s typing, it’s going slow, so I said, “Don’t worry, Grandma, Google will finish the sentence for you!” She types “How are” and Google suggests “you handling the divorce?” Grandma’s like, “My God, is Grandpa leaving me?!” No Grandma, but maybe he should if you can’t finish a sentence!

But, you’ve got to give Google credit. They’ve got services for everything. They’re like that friend who’s good at too many things. You can’t compete. “Oh, you’re searching for stuff? I can do that. You wanna know how to get somewhere? I’ve got Maps. What’s that? You’re lost in your life and questioning all your choices? Meet my buddy Google Analytics!”

Look, I love Google as much as the next guy who doesn’t want to be lost in the digital wilderness. But let’s face it, if Google knows us any better, it’s gonna start showing up to family events. “Hey, I saw you were looking for ‘how to avoid awkward family gatherings.’ Would you like me to pretend to be your date?”